“Trust God.” Those are the two words I remembered my dad had spoken to me after he died. At the time of writing this letter 12 years have gone by since the day my father passed away, and something changed within me. I remember asking “how” when he told me to trust God. He simply repeated “trust God.” Those two words have taken on such a deeper meaning to me as I continue on this journey of life – not only together but individually.
Over the years I’ve come to believe everything happens for a reason from the places we go to the people we meet. When my dad was alive he would share wisdom with me from time to time, and one of the things he said was “hindsight is 20/20”. The way I’ve always understood that was while we’re in the moment, it can be difficult to understand why we are where we are, or why we feel how we feel. After something has occurred and we think back upon it with a clear mind, we can make sense of it. We can see how it fits into the grand scheme or bigger picture in our life.
I was in the Polk County Jail when I started to realize there was a good possibility I would be sent to prison. This realization scared me, and I asked Chaplain Jerry for a Bible. I didn’t know at the time I was on the cusp of the most spiritual divine intervention ever. I remember being in and out of jail relapsing on drugs. Every time they gave me a chance to figure this out until eventually the judge threw the book at me. At the time I was in denial, but the law and the Lord both knew I was guilty as charged. The time spent away from my loved ones was the most difficult part of prison. I finally got some sobriety time accumulated and regained my sanity. I began reading the Bible and writing in a journal every morning. I memorized verses I liked and gave nicknames to help me remember them. I even started collecting different translations of the Bible and comparing them. It was fun. Some of the guys in the yard knew more about God than me. Some rejected God, but we all co-existed. The big Homie didn’t like when I would rush through my workouts on Sundays so I could attend church, but he still showed me love. I prayed in the mornings and realized how grateful I was for all I had; shelter, food, friends, family, and freedom from addiction.
I finally started realizing how so many of the things I value in life are completely dependent upon my sobriety like real meaningful relationships, true happiness, and freedom in all its forms. Everything and everyone I’ve ever loved were centered upon my sobriety. It’s something that I’ve always wanted and understood deep down in my heart, but no matter how badly I wanted to be sober and stay that way, I couldn’t. I finally found Someone who can. To whoever might read this I’d like to encourage you to persevere, have faith that a life you might not be able to imagine is about to begin for you, and hold strong to what you value the most. Forgive yourself, respect others, and give thanks. Trust God.